8 Conversations to Strengthen Your Relationship and Prepare for Parenthood
I’ve sat across from countless folks from generation X and the boomer generation who have shared their anecdotal experiences of having children. Most share the experience of deciding to have children as being a “should” or an “expectation” of life. For many, the thought of whether or not they wanted to be parents or what kind of parents they wanted to be was not a part of the societal experience of parenthood. Of course this is not a universal experience, but one I’ve noticed enough to notice shifts in the way the current generation of parents speak about the transition to parenthood.
As a couple and family therapist, I find myself again and again sitting across from couples contemplating parenthood. Whether it is the first time or repeat parenthood, these couples are approaching the role of parenthood with great intention. There is a deep understanding of their own experiences growing up, the complex society issues at play in parenthood, and how greatly the need for a solid couple relationship to begin down the messy road of having children.
I’d like to offer a framework and resources for couples to begin this conversation around parenthood. Here are eight conversations that can lead to a deeper understanding and confidence in parenthood:
Reflect on your upbringing: How we grew up greatly impacts how we parent. How were you each parented? What was it like to be someone’s child? What beliefs about yourself and the world did your caregivers instill in you? What from your childhood would you like to see continued in a future generation? What from your childhood are you actively working to heal from so as to not transmit to the next generation?
Deepen your connection to your values: Our values determine our trajectory in life and in parenting. What values do you hold as an individual and a couple? How do you imagine instilling those values into the lives of your potential children?
Increase understanding of your view of children: How we view children is potentially what impacts how we treat them the most. What are children for in a family? What role do they serve/play in the life of a family? How should children be treated? What do you know or not know about child development and how important is that knowledge to raising a child?
Reflect on roles and responsibilities within your couple relationship: Determining division of labor is a make or break in parenting. What are the current roles and responsibilities within your house? Does the division of labor match your values? Who does the emotional and mental labor of caring for the relationship and home? Is equity important to you? How will this need to shift in order to manage the increased responsibilities of having to care for children? How can we create a safe space between us to continuously revisit this conversation?
Assess your willingness to change: Being a quality parent requires change in some ways and not others. What feelings come up when you think about losing some access to your wants, regular social scenes, freedom, and identity? What parts of your identity are you worried about losing touch with in parenthood?
Address systemic concerns: From the smallest system to the largest, we are impacted by systems all around us. How will having children impact us as a couple? How will having children change our larger family system dynamic? Who will be impacted by us having children? What systems will impact our children and how will we handle when these systems cause tension or pain (family, community, religion/spiritual, government, regional, etc.)? How will we address larger social issues (social justice advocacy, race, gender, violence, etc.) with our children?
Deepen your understanding of your couple conflict: Conflict within a romantic relationship is inevitable, how we engage with conflict is up to our willingness to do our own inner work. How well do we know our conflict cycle? Are we actively working to increase our ability to have connected and calm conflict conversations? Do we know how to speak to one another with deep and compassionate listening?
Envision your family: What does a family with and without kids look like to each of us? How will we spend our time together if we have kids? What do we imagine feeling as our kids enter the world and grow up? How do we imagine being parents together as a team?
These eight conversations will enable you and your partner to create a solid foundation for parenthood. If any of these conversations become tricky or contentious, couple therapy can be a great way to work through the underlying emotions at play. We are trained to work at the deeper level of helping clients have meaningful conversations that lead to intimacy and understanding. Parents and caregivers who cultivate a solid foundation are more likely to embody sturdy leadership in their family and help their children to become secure, resilient, kind and compassionate adults.
Here is a list of books that I personally would recommend to anyone interested in becoming a parent:
Good Inside: The guide to becoming the parent you want to be Becky Kennedy
The Whole Brained Child-Dan Siegel
Raising Good Humans - Hunter Clarke-Fields
Hunter, Gather, Parent - Michaeleen Doucleff