Why We Keep Having the Same Fight (and How to Break the Cycle)
Written by: Hope Saunders, MFTC
Most couples don’t fight about many things - they fight about one or two things, over and over again. After hearing this, you may be thinking, “it feels like we’re arguing about different things.” Or you may be thinking “but it always ends the same way.” Don’t worry! This repetition is relational, not personal failure. While the content of your arguments may be different, there is something underneath that is not being heard or seen. Repeating conflict does not mean the relationship is broken, just that something important hasn't been heard yet.
The Fight Isn’t the Problem- The Cycle Is
When couples are in arguments, they are stuck in interactional patterns, not isolated disagreements. Arguments typically begin with a pursuer noticing a problem. They will confront their partner about the problem and want to fix it immediately. The withdrawer becomes overwhelmed by the intensity of the pursuer's emotions, and they begin to shut down. The pursuer often takes this personally and will have thoughts like “my partner won’t be there for me,” or “I am not important to my partner.” As these thoughts fester, the pursuer’s anxiety grows and they become louder in the hopes of being heard by their partner. However, this increases tension, and withdrawers will often remove themselves from the situation. At the end, they both feel unheard, misunderstood, and unsafe in the relationship. Blame does not belong to one partner or the other, they both contribute to the cycle. The key message here is that the cycle is the enemy, not your partner.
What’s Really Happening Between the Argument
It’s easy to focus on the behaviors you’re seeing play out in your partner right in front of you, but take a moment to reflect on what may be happening for them emotionally in these moments. As humans many of our underlying needs are the same. Most people need to feel valued, emotionally safe, prioritized, or respected. In most arguments, one of these needs is often being expressed, sometimes it’s just hard to hear it underneath the surface. Common surface topics such as chores, money, parenting, and phones are often protests for connection. This desire for connection is hardwired within us and our ability to be connected with other people (including our partners), comes from our attachment to our caregivers.
Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between an infant and their caregiver. Infants learn whether or not their caregiver will respond when they are in need. This carries over into childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. There are 4 types of attachment - secure, anxious, avoidant-dismissive, and avoidant-fearful. Securely attached people are comfortable with both intimacy and independence; anxiously attached people have a marked fear of abandonment; and avoidantly attached people (whether dismissive or fearful) are characterized by emotional distance, and those who are avoidant-fearful experience a mix of both seeking and avoiding closeness. Without healing our attachment wounds, we may look to our partners to complete us or regulate our emotions for us. While partners can offer comfort and support, they cannot heal those wounds on our behalf. It is something we need to heal ourselves. So, when your partner raises their voice, they may actually be saying “please don’t disconnect from me.”
Why the Same Fight Feels So Hopeless
Experiencing the same fight over and over again can be emotionally exhausting. Repeating the same cycle can create anticipation, emotional flooding, defensiveness, or shutdown. Anticipation, the thought “here we go again.” Another argument. Different content, same result. Having a thought like this one sets you up to experience the argument in the same way you always have. It’s a thought that can bring up walls and have you thinking of what your response will be rather than listening to your partner.
Emotional flooding is what happens when our nervous system detects a threat. Emotional flooding is commonly referred to as fight or flight. It is an involuntary reflex whose purpose is to keep us alive in dangerous situations. When our brain detects danger, our blood begins to pump faster to organs that help us take action, like our heart. Once this happens, the part of our brain that is responsible for using logic slows down so we can spring into action. Feeling emotionally flooded can leave you feeling helpless.
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of outrage from a perceived injustice or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people respond with defensiveness when they feel they are being criticized, though they are often on the other end of a complaint, not a criticism. When someone feels unjustly accused, they search for excuses to get their partner to back off. But often, a defensive response communicates “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.”
Shutdown occurs when an individual becomes overwhelmed and stops talking, feels frozen or numb, struggles to form thoughts or find words, or suddenly becomes very tired or disconnected. Shutting down is a freeze response, when fighting or fleeing doesn’t feel possible one’s nervous system may opt for shutting down. An individual’s system believes it’s unsafe to speak.
When a couple has experienced the same cycle enough, it can feel like all hope is lost. This loss is not a sign to give up but is yet another part of the cycle.
How to Start Breaking the Cycle
There are four practical steps to breaking the cycle: naming the pattern together; slowing it down; speaking from vulnerability not protection; and focusing on one moment, not the whole relationship. Let’s take a deeper dive into what each of these steps looks like.
Step 1: Name the Pattern Together
In breaking the cycle, it is important to notice and name the pattern together. It is important to label the cycle as a thing outside yourselves, rather than blaming one partner or the other. This could be as simple as saying, “we get stuck in a pursue-withdrawal loop.”
Step 2: Slow It Down
In order to break the cycle, it is important to emphasize regulation before resolution. This will likely be a difficult task for the pursuing partner. This can also be difficult for a withdrawing partner, who may fear that pausing will only prolong the conflict. When we are elevated (in a fight, flight, or freeze mode), we are unable to take in new information and truly listen to our partner. When either partner begins to feel the intensity rise, it’s a good time to pause. This could look like one partner saying “I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed. Would you mind if we took a pause?” This allows both partners to return to baseline.
Step 3: Speak From Vulnerability, Not Protection
The next step to breaking the cycle is shifting from accusations to emotions. Accusations bring our partner’s defenses up. Rather than saying, “you never listen,” try “I feel invisible when I don’t get a response.” This keeps the focus on emotion and lets your partner into what you’re feeling, which protects against defensiveness.
Step 4: Focus On One Moment, Not the Whole Relationship
Lastly, it is important to avoid global statements such as “always” or “never.” It is unlikely that your partner “never listens,” or “always has an excuse.” Statements such as these escalate the argument, and open the door to a larger, louder, discussion of every disagreement in the relationship. Rather than bringing up past experiences, stay in the present interaction and focus on what is happening now rather than what happened then.
When to Seek Support
If you have done all you know and have learned to do, it may be time to see a couples therapist. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of you, it just means that you need support and a new, outside, perspective on what you’re experiencing. Couples therapy doesn’t need to be feared as it’s not about blaming or “fixing” one partner, but about learning to see and interrupt the cycle as we discussed earlier. The earlier you seek a therapist’s support, the better outcome you will have.
A Hopeful Reframe
Having the same argument over and over again can be exhausting, frustrating, and hopeless. But take it as a sign that repeated conflict means that something matters, something is important, and that your partner is attempting to connect with you. The patterns you recognize both in yourself and your partner have been learned, but don’t worry, they can be unlearned. I invite you to reflect on the patterns present in your relationship, and what possible next steps need to be taken.
If this sounds familiar, couples therapy can help you slow things down and reconnect. Please reach out to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. You don’t have to keep having the same fight alone.
