Noticing the Little Things: How Bids for Connection Keep Relationships Alive

Dec 5

Have you ever felt disconnected from a partner, friend, or family member even though nothing “big” happened? Often, it’s the small moments, otherwise known as bids for connection, that are the building blocks of emotional closeness. These are the everyday gestures, words, or signals we use to reach out for attention, comfort, or support. The concept comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, whose decades of research on couples show that the way we respond to these bids predicts relationship satisfaction more than big romantic gestures or grand apologies. In other words, it’s not the big moments that sustain relationships. It’s the countless small moments where we either connect or miss connection.

What Are Bids for Connection?

A bid for connection is any attempt to engage another person emotionally. It can be:

Verbal: “Can I tell you something?” or “I had a rough day.”
Nonverbal: a smile, touch, eye contact, or even a sigh.
Indirect: humor, teasing, or subtle gestures like leaning in or looking to someone for support.

The Gottmans found that couples who successfully respond to bids, called “turning toward,” experience greater emotional intimacy, trust, and long-term satisfaction. Ignoring or missing bids, even unintentionally, creates distance, resentment, and disconnection over time.

Example: Your partner glances at you while cooking and asks, “Did you have a good day?” Responding with attention and interest (“Yes, it was busy, but I got a lot done. How about you?”) strengthens connection, while a distracted “Mm-hmm” or ignoring it slowly erodes closeness.

Why Bids Matter

Bids are essentially the “currency” of relationships. Responding to them builds:

Trust: People learn that they can reach out and be seen or heard.
Safety: Emotional vulnerability feels less risky when bids are consistently met.
Intimacy: Daily connection fosters closeness more than occasional big gestures.
Resilience: Couples who turn toward bids are better able to weather conflicts and stress.

Gottman research shows that happy couples turn toward each other in response to bids about 87% of the time, while distressed couples respond only about 33% of the time. This difference accumulates: the small moments add up, shaping the overall health of a relationship.

Why We Miss Bids

Even when we care deeply, it’s easy to miss or dismiss bids. Reasons include:

Stress or distraction: Busy schedules, work pressure, or mental load narrow our attention.
Past experiences: Trauma, attachment patterns, or previous conflict can make us hesitant to respond.
Different styles: One person’s bid might be subtle, while the other expects more direct communication.

Example: One partner makes a sarcastic joke to signal stress, but the other interprets it as criticism and withdraws. The bid is missed, creating unintended disconnection.

Responding to Bids

The Gottmans describe three ways we respond to bids:

Turning toward: engaging positively, even in small ways. This builds trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.
Turning away: missing the bid, often unintentionally, which can create distance over time.
Turning against: responding with hostility or criticism, which damages connection.

Focusing on turning toward means noticing the bid and responding in a way that acknowledges the other person’s attempt to connect. This doesn’t require big gestures. Small, intentional responses are what matter.

Examples of turning toward bids:

Invite them to share: “Tell me more about that.”
Offering a hug or touch when appropriate.
Giving your attention: putting down your phone and listening.
Validating feelings: “I hear you, that sounds tough.”

Even minor responses strengthen emotional safety and connection over time. The more we practice turning toward, the more natural it becomes to recognize and meet each other’s needs.

Growing Awareness of Bids

Becoming more aware of bids is a skill that can be practiced:

Notice subtle cues: gestures, tone, expressions, or changes in behavior.
Pause and choose your response: even a brief acknowledgement counts.
Communicate openly about needs: Invite discussion about how each of you signals and perceives connection.
Use support: therapy, workshops, or reflective conversations help couples recognize patterns and practice responding effectively.

Example: You notice your partner sighing after a long day. Instead of scrolling your phone, you ask, “Do you want to talk or just sit together?” That small response strengthens trust and emotional closeness.

Conclusion

Bids for connection may seem small, but they are the foundation of healthy, lasting relationships. Consistently noticing and responding to them build intimacy, safety, and resilience, while missed bids slowly create distance and frustration. By paying attention to these daily gestures, practicing responsiveness, and seeking support when needed, we can nurture deeper, more satisfying relationships. Connection doesn’t come from grand gestures alone. It comes from showing up in small, meaningful ways ever day.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (3rd ed.).

Harmony.

Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrère, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and

stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5–22.