Highs, Lows, and the Space In Between: Understanding Your Window of Tolerance
Written by: Alyssa Benson, MFTC
Have you ever noticed that sometimes even small challenges feel overwhelming, while at other times you can handle big stressors with relative ease? That’s your window of tolerance at work— a term from trauma-informed therapy describing the zone where we can stay regulated, think clearly, and respond effectively.
Within your window, you can notice your emotions, connect with others, and make thoughtful decisions. Outside of it, your body and mind respond differently, often automatically:
High zone (hyperarousal): racing heart, anxiety, irritability, panic, or anger. Your system is on alert, trying to protect you. For example, you might snap at a friend over a minor comment or feel your heart racing when facing a tight deadline.
Low zone (hypoarousal): numbness, withdrawal, exhaustion, or emotional shutdown. Your system is attempting to cope by conserving energy and disconnecting. You might scroll through your phone to distract yourself from sadness, feel completely drained after a difficult conversation, or struggle to make decisions even about simple tasks.
Both states are normal responses to stress. Everyone experiences moments outside their window, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you.
What Can Shrink Your Window
Your window of tolerance is not fixed. Life events, stress, and personal history can make it narrower temporarily or for longer periods. Some common factors include:
Heightened stress or life transitions: work pressure, moving, school challenges, or relational conflict.
Prolonged trauma or grief: repeated stressors, loss, or past traumatic experiences can make regulation harder.
Physical stressors: fatigue, illness, or chronic pain affect how easily your nervous system stays regulated.
For example, a parent dealing with grief over a loss may notice their usual patience disappears, and small irritations with their child feel intolerable. This is a temporary narrowing of their window, not a personal flaw.
Growing Your Window Over Time
The good news? Your window of tolerance is flexible. With practice, it can expand, helping you respond rather than react and recover more quickly from stress. Here are some ways to support that growth:
Learning coping strategies: breathing exercises, grounding techniques, mindfulness, and self-soothing practices help your nervous system stay within the window when stress arises. For instance, taking a few slow, deep breaths and grounding yourself in your senses before responding to a frustrating email can prevent a reactive outburst.
Build supportive relationships: safe connections with friends, family, or a therapist can act as co-regulators, helping you feel held when emotions intensify. Even just sharing, “I’m struggling with stress right now,” can create connection and reduce overwhelm.
Prioritize self-care: sleep, nutrition, movement, and downtime support your overall capacity to stay regulated.
Growth doesn’t happen overnight. Some days your window may feel wider, other days narrower. Compassion for yourself during both states is a key part of building resilience.
Why Awareness Matters
Being aware of your window of tolerance (and the high and low zones) gives you choices. You can notice when you’re approaching hyper- or hypoarousal, pause, and use strategies to stay regulated or recover more quickly. Over time, this awareness allows you to:
Respond instead of reacting.
Maintain connection even during conflict or stress.
Protect your body and mind from long-term overwhelm.
Build confidence in your capacity to tolerate life’s ups and downs.
For example, if you feel your chest tighten and anger rising during a conversation, recognizing it as hyperarousal lets you pause, breathe, and respond calmly instead of snapping. Or if you feel numb and shut down after a stressful day, noticing it as hypoarousal may prompt a brief walk, journaling, or talking with a friend to help you reconnect.
Even small moments of noticing your arousal and practicing regulation matter. Each practice is like a gentle nudge to your nervous sytem, telling it it can handle more without being overwhelmed.
Final Thoughts
Your window of tolerance is a dynamic part of being human. Some days will be easier, and some days harder, and that’s completely normal. By learning strategies to regulate, leaning on supportive relationships, and practicing mindful awareness, you can gradually expand your capacity to handle stress and emotions with compassion for yourself.
Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your window of tolerance, notice patterns, and practice new skills in a contained environment. You don’t have to navigate it alone, and small, consistent steps can lead to meaningful change over time.
References:
Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores
goodness. North Atlantic Books.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape
who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to
nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.
