Embracing the Power of Adaptive Perfectionism

For years, I grappled with perfectionism, convinced it was something I needed to “fix.” But everything shifted when a friend gifted me the book The Perfectionists Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler. This book transformed my perspective, teaching me how to embrace the helpful aspects of my perfectionism while addressing the challenging aspects with compassion. The ideas Schafler puts forth has become a guiding force in my life, and I’m eager to share some of its key insights with others navigating the same journey.

What is Perfectionism, Really?

Schafler redefines perfectionism as a deeply personal experience tied to an individual’s unique sense of “perfect.” The common thread among perfectionists is the tension between two core parts of our identity: our limits and our potential. Perfectionists often notice the gap between reality and an ideal and feel compelled to close it. This compulsion is a concept that can be hard for perfectionists to reconcile with, as we love to be in control and don’t want to think of ourselves as compulsive. Schafler encourages us to channel it in ways that align with our own values- not the values imposed by others.

Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Perfectionism

Perfectionism exists on a spectrum. Adaptive perfectionism harnesses its energy to help us grow and heal. It’s about responding to your inner critic with compassion and finding validation within yourself. Adaptive perfectionists are connected to their self-worth, knowing and believing that they are whole (perfect) and worthy of love and acceptance just as they are. 

In contrast, maladaptive perfectionism thrives off of self-criticism and self-punishment. Maladaptive perfectionists are disconnected from self-worth, believing they are not whole and try to compensate by fixing themselves. It keeps them stuck in a cycle of “not enough” and waiting for a future version of themselves to feel worthy of love and acceptance. 

Adaptive perfectionists embrace the present moment, recognizing that being present isn’t about constant happiness- it’s about freedom. When you are present, you don’t need anything to happen, your life is not dictated by that of your past or focused on trying to mold the future. Instead of chasing external perfection to feel whole, adaptive perfectionists realize that inner connection creates the foundation for everything else. They realize that their presence is their power and when you’re connected to your power, you don’t need control.

Control vs. Power

One of the book's most profound lessons is the distinction between control and power. Control is limited and transactional, if you give someone else control, you have relinquished your own control. Power is unlimited and can be shared, therefore, if you empower someone else, you haven’t lost your own power in the process. When you’re disconnected from your self-worth, you cling to control. Power flows from understanding the immutability of your worth. 

As Schafler so beautifully puts it: 

“Control encourages restriction; power encourages freedom.”

“Control micromanages; power inspires”

“Control manipulates; power influences.”

“Control is myopic; power is visionary.”

When your self-worth isn’t on the line, you’re more willing to take risks, embrace uncertainty, and create a life that reflects your authentic self.

The Path to Authenticity

The ultimate takeaway? Healing isn’t about becoming someone new; it’s about reconnecting with who you already are. It’s a continuous journey of curiosity, emotional connection, and self-compassion. It’s realizing you are already whole (perfect) and treating yourself with kindness through every step of growth. 

Schafler says it best: 

“Change is a natural by-product of healing. You can change without healing, but you can’t heal without changing.”

When you lean into adaptive perfectionism, you unlock the freedom to live with joy, authenticity, and alignment. It's not about fixing yourself- it’s about understanding yourself and making small, meaningful steps toward a life you truly love. 

Let this be a reminder, you’re not broken, and you don’t need to be “fixed.” Your power lies in embracing your wholeness, one moment at a time.