Why Change Feels So Hard (Even When You Want It)

Apr 8

Spring is a season of transition and nature reminds us that change is both inevitable and necessary. But often, we resist change because we fear what is on the other side. Growth challenges the familiar, and our mind and body may react with fear, doubt, or hesitation. As a therapist, I have the unique and beautiful opportunity to sit with people who are in the thick of the change process- not the glossy, Instagram-worthy transformation, but the slow, messy, deep transformation that creates lasting change. Based on the wise words of Virginia Satir, I am going to walk you through what change tends to look and feel like in the process of therapy. Whether you’re beginning your healing journey or in the messy middle, I hope this offers some language and light for the path.

The Status Quo: The Comfort Zone

This is where everything feels predictable. Even if you’re unhappy, you know the rules of your world. Maybe it’s a relationship dynamic you’ve accepted, a job that drains you but feels safe, or a way of coping with stress that you know isn’t healthy- but it’s familiar. In therapy, clients often enter this stage saying things like:

“I know something needs to change, but I don’t know what.”
“I feel stuck, but at least I know what to expect.”

Change might be calling, but stepping toward it feels risky.

Resistance: The Initial Pushback

Then, something disrupts the status quo. Maybe a relationship hits a breaking point. Maybe grief, a diagnosis, or a life event shakes your foundation. Maybe you just can’t ignore the feeling anymore that something isn’t working. But even when we want change, our instinct is often to resist.

“I don’t want to deal with this right now.”
“What if things get worse?”
“What if I change and people don’t accept me?”

Therapy often feels challenging here because it asks you to name what’s happening, to hold up a mirror to your life, and to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty.

Chaos: The Messy Middle

This is the hardest part. The old patterns don’t fit anymore, but the new ones haven’t fully formed. It’s like standing in the doorway between two rooms- one familiar but painful, the other unknown and uncertain. In therapy this can feel like emotional turbulence. You might swing between moments of clarity and moments of fear. You might want to retreat to old ways of coping. You might wonder if all this effort is even worth it.

“I thought I was making progress, but now I feel worse.”
“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“Maybe I should just go back to how things were.”

This is where a therapist holds space for the mess, reminding you that growth never feels good while it’s happening. This is the part where transformation is taking root, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Integration: Practicing a New Way Of Being

Then, something shifts. Not all at once, but in small ways. You begin to see yourself differently. You start responding instead of reacting. You notice moments of ease where there used to be tension. You still have hard days, but they don’t consume you in the same way. This is when you start to trust yourself again.

“I handled that conversation differently than I would have before.”
“I’m learning to set boundaries, even when it’s hard.”
“I’m not as afraid of my emotions anymore.”

Therapy becomes a place of experimentation- trying new ways of relating to yourself and others, seeing what fits, and adjusting along the way.

The New Status Quo: A New Normal

This is where the ground feels solid beneath your feet again. The chaos has settled, and you have a new way of being in the world. The problems may not have disappeared, but you navigate them differently. You have tools. You have clarity. You trust yourself. And just like nature, this isn’t the end. Seasons will change again. Growth is cyclical. There will be more change ahead, but now, you can weather it.

The Path Ahead: Embracing Change with Compassion

One of my core beliefs is that humans are wired for growth, even when we fear it. Therapy doesn’t “fix” you, it walks with you through the unknown, toward deeper and truer connection: with yourself and others. If you’re in the messy middle, keep going. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or lost, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re growing. Therapy is a space to navigate this process with support and understanding.

So this spring, as the world around you transforms, ask yourself: